did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
