then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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