One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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