Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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