If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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