wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
