i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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