I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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