Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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