Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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