Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
