I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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