why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
