I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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