How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
