Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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