Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
