Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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