And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
can u get pink eye on your cock?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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