P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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