I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
