kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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