I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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