I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
