when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Im part way to drunk.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
