saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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