I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
