what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
