Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
