I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
