I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
