You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
