can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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