I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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