capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
