The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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