Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
