broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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