You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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