I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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