hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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