You made me cry and you don't even care
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
