Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
