we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my liver is dry heaving
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm really busy with my period
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