At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
