So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
