Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
