trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
