once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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