so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
