i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
