if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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